KidsPeace believes that it is helpful to our readers to reprint some Healing Magazine articles
that are as relevant today as when they were published in our Magazine.
This article discusses how parents of special needs students should strive to interact well with their children's teachers and is written by author and Autisim advocate Ellen Notbohm. It was
published in the Spring/Summer 2007 issue.
The View from the Other
Side of the Desk: Are you a ‘challenging parent?’
What special education
teachers want you to know
by Ellen Notbohm
As transitions go, my son’s
transition to middle school had been smoother than any parent with an
Individualized Education Plan (IEP) in hand could hope for. It had been a very
good year with very good teachers. But, as the year wound down with alarming
speed, the scheduling of the annual IEP meeting just wasn’t happening. Repeated
requests – at increasing decibel level – to resource teachers went unresolved
amid scheduling problems, administrative issues, illnesses and other
roadblocks. When we finally did meet, five days before the end of the school
year, I told the excellent resource teacher only half-jokingly, “You’re almost
there. Only five more days and then you are done with me.”
And this excellent teacher
stopped in his tracks and looked at me with surprise. “Oh no,” he said. “No. I have had some challenging
parents this year, and you are not one of them.”
At that, it was my turn to
stop in my tracks. What, I wanted very much to know, constitutes a
“challenging” parent? It was too
intriguing a thought to leave on the table so, a few months later, we came back
to it. His very thoughtfully painted portrait of a “challenging” parent led me
to ask other special educators, teachers of students aged toddler to high
school across several different school districts, the same question. And, while
each came from his/her own unique situation, the common threads in their
thoughts were striking. A number of these common threads formed the basis for
my book Ten Things Your Student with Autism Wishes You Knew. Here then is the
view from the other side of the desk, the voice of your special education
A combative attitude does
not enhance our ability to make progress with your child. Our relationship
should be an alliance, not an adversarial face off. We are all here because of
the child; he or she is our common interest, and it is important not to lose
sight of that. It is not about me or you, or whether we like each other.
Give me the courtesy of a
clean slate. You may have had bad experiences with previous teachers or
schools, but putting past conflicts or issues onto me, coming in with guns
blazing before you even have a chance to get to know me or my program is
counterproductive. “This is what has happened in the past, and I expect the
same from you” is looking for trouble where it is possible that none exists.
There is a difference
between being assertive and being aggressive – and there is a cost. Teachers
appreciate parents who are knowledgeable, effective advocates for their
children. Knowing your rights and knowing the facts of your situation, and requesting
services and accommodations firmly but respectfully are light years removed
from being a fist-pounder.
We are not here for the
money or the recognition. We are here because we love these kids. In an ideal
world, I want to share with the parent any inside perspective I have about ‘the
system’ and how it affects decisions made about their child. But, if I sense in
any way that the parent will use the information in a way that comes back on me
or threatens my job, it is only natural that I will not share.
Undermining me undermines
your child’s learning.
Communicating to your child that everything that is going wrong is the
school’s fault undermines your child’s ability to trust me, to comply with
necessary classroom boundaries and, ultimately, to learn.
All children, even special
needs children, need to assume some level of responsibility for their behavior
and its consequences. We are sometimes faced with parents who say, “I cannot
believe my child would do such a thing. It must be somebody else’s fault. If
you had been doing this, he wouldn’t have been doing that.” Sometimes that’s
the case. However, when a parent insists it is always the case, I need to
gently suggest that a closer look be taken at what is actually going on.
Step back and listen as
open-mindedly as possible when faced with information that makes your blood
pressure rise. It’s very common for children to exhibit a different set of
behaviors at school than they do at home.
Having to be both teacher
and case manager can put me in a very difficult position. Especially in early
childhood education, it often falls on the teacher/case manager to identify the
fact that my particular classroom or program isn’t the best fit for your child.
Please know that, when I
tell you we need to transition your child to a different setting, it isn’t
because I ‘don’t like him.’ Hear me as objectively as possible when I tell you
that he is struggling too hard in the current placement and would benefit from
a different setting, that we need to modify the Individualized Family Service
Plan (IFSP) or IEP and find a better environment.
Don’t assume I know
everything about your child. I may only have the prior year’s academic
information, and perhaps no personal information at all. Tell me anything you
think is important for me to know about your “whole child.” Be a resource for
us, a bridge between programs.
Share with us what has worked or not worked with your child in the past.
We cannot do everything for
your child. Your child is entitled by law to a free and appropriate education
in the least restrictive setting. That is not equivalent to the best possible
education. Think of it this way: You get the Chevy; you don’t get the Cadillac.
You get safe, reliable transportation, but you don’t get the CD player and the
leather seats. It’s a distinction many parents don’t understand that special
education is intended to provide for adequate growth, not maximum possible
Federal law mandates that we
make sure that kids who have a disability are making adequate progress, as
defined and measured yearly in their IEPs. The idea behind it is that, without
accommodation, they wouldn’t make adequate progress in general education, and
therefore would not be getting a free and appropriate public education.
Let’s say you have a fifth
grader who is reading at a 2nd grade level. It happens; teachers commonly look
at their classes and see a developmental range, so there are kids who end up in
4th or 5th grade reading several grade levels behind. So we set a goal, in a calendar
year, for the child to make a year’s growth, which is what his peers would
make. But he is still behind; he
is not catching up. In order for him to catch up, he would have to outpace his
peers. Some kids do that, but it’s very difficult and not realistic.
We have many commitments to
multiple content areas. If we were to spend half the day on reading alone –
sure, we could catch the kid up. But that’s not appropriate because we give up
everything else. And so we always have that discussion every year in an IEP
meeting. We have a certain amount of time. How do we set goals? How much time
do we need to meet each goal? How much are we going to be able to accomplish
given math, science, social studies, all of these other content areas required
and from which kids benefit?
Your child is not my only
student. When I am meeting with you, when we are in a discussion and
problem-solving mode – in that moment, your student is the only one I am
concerned about. But back in my classroom, I have anywhere from a few to a few
dozen other students in my caseload, and I have the scheduling restrictions
that naturally come with that caseload. It simply is not possible for the needs
of one child to dictate my entire day. Asking that of me is painful for both of
Early intervention works
Here is an extension of a
universal truth: The earlier the
better – and the better the earlier the better. Catch things early, intervene
well and include your family, not just the school. No one was ever sorry they
intervened early, but legions of families regret “waiting to see if he outgrows
See the positive in your
Have an honest understanding
of what the range of your child’s disability means, but also recognize his
strengths. Too often, the most difficult parents to work with are the ones who
cannot see the positive qualities of their kid. Their focus is stuck on what
the child can’t do. Perhaps they do not want to have a child with a disability.
Perhaps they are stuck in the grieving process. But, for the teacher, it is
very hard to deal with.
Promote independence. Help
your child learn to do things for himself, rather than doing them for him. Many
teachers are parents themselves and understand the time stress families are
under. But, whether it’s homework or personal organization, expedience in the
moment will impede his learning to be independent in the long run. If you pack
and unpack his backpack for him every day, how will he learn the importance of
being organized, knowing where things are when they are needed, how to find
items or information? The parents who are most effective are the ones who teach
as well as parent. The two are synonymous.
© 2006 Ellen Notbohm. This
article is based on the book Ten Things Your Student With Autism Wishes You
Knew, a 2006 iParenting Media Award winner.
Ellen Notbohm is author
of Ten Things Every Child with
Autism Wishes You Knew, a ForeWord 2005 Book of the Year Honorable Mention
winner, and co-author of the award-winning 1001 Great Ideas for Teaching and Raising Children with Autism Spectrum
Disorders. For article reprint permission, book excerpts, to learn more or
to contact Ellen, please visit www.ellennotbohm.com.