By Caren Chaffee
For most people, today’s lifestyle is one of constant activity. It seems so many people are overscheduled and often overextended. Two-way conversation falls quickly by the wayside in favor of texts, emails and social media posts, which may or may not receive a reply.
On some level, we have abridged our own ability to communicate effectively and in a meaningful way. So many of us are in a rush, hurrying from one activity to the next and typing a quick text as we walk from our car to the door of our next destination.
While it is undeniably a quick and simple solution to providing information to others, today’s instant digital contacts inevitably lead to challenges:
First, the art of conversation has dimmed. There is a stark difference between “listening” and “hearing” that too often goes unrecognized. Hearing is the act of physically accepting and recognizing sounds and words and takes little or no effort. Listening, on the other hand, involves processing the information that is heard. It takes effort, concentration and time, and it often includes observing facial expressions, body language and tone of voice. A written or posted message is open to interpretation (or, often, misinterpretation), as facial expression and tone of voice are absent from the equation. It becomes difficult to have a meaningful conversation when active listening is not involved.
In addition, two-way communication suffers. The word “communication” has its roots in the comparative Latin word meaning “to share.” Sharing implies a two-way exchange. Social media posts and mass emails often receive few or no replies and may simply end with the original post or a simple acknowledgement that the post was received or read.
Finally, when used as a primary means of contact, digital messaging can undermine relationships. A recent blog in The Washington Post referred to “digital infidelity,” in which individuals use their social media posts and texts to stay in closer contact with an ex or with someone who can be seen (consciously or subconsciously) as a “backup” to one’s current partner, in the event the present relationship fails. Furthermore, in a world saturated with social media, the definition of “friends” is changing: While primarily defined by Webster as “one attached to another by affection or esteem,” a “friend” by social media standards is often no more than an acquaintance who is linked to and can view your social media account. Individuals may have hundreds of “friends” on their social media accounts, but it is likely that a small percentage of them are actually “attached by affection or esteem.” While social media allows the user to stay in touch with individuals to whom one may otherwise lose contact, it also has the capability to erode the status and the significance of the relationship between “friends.”
Despite the challenges, digital communication has numerous advantages as well. It provides quick and almost instantaneous contact with others, can increase one’s safety by allowing for continual contact and provides an accurate record of the information provided over a long period of time. Digital communication helps maintain connections within the parameters of the fast pace of our daily lives. The danger lies in using it as a primary means of building and maintaining relationships.
It is important for adults to model good relationship-building skills for youth, which include active listening, two-way communication and maintaining friendships outside of social media. This can be an arduous task in today’s digital world. However, the rewards significantly outweigh the challenges. Today’s youth spend a great deal of time sharing information on a digital platform, and responding to them in their own digital “language” has its advantages. However, taking the time to actively listen and demonstrating to them the significance of a relationship built on solid communication and two-way conversation sends them a clear message that they are important. It allows them to experience how it feels to be made the most important person in the room when you make eye contact with them, process what they are saying and give them meaningful feedback within the structure of a conversation. It shows them how the art of conversation can improve and advance a relationship, and it models for them how to build a friendship built on affection and mutual respect. Introducing and refining these skills in their youthful years will reap a lifetime of benefits.
KidsPeace is teaming up with BookSparks for their annual "BookSparks Speaks Out" campaign and this year, they're speaking out against school violence.
The campaign is in conjunction with the release of Steena Holmes' moving new novel, "Stillwater Rising" and poignant prequel novella, "Before the Storm." The novel depicts a tight-knit community shattered by an elementary school shooting and their tragic yet empowering healing process, while the prequel novella details the events and day of the school shooting.
Tomorrow, Oct. 8, is SAVE Day (Stop America's Violence Everywhere), so to help end school violence and bolster the communities who have suffered at the hands of such tragedies, ALL proceeds from "Before the Storm" purchases made on Oct. 8 will go directly to KidsPeace.
Here are five ways you help us SPEAK OUT:
- Buy it: All proceeds from "Before the Storm" purchases made on Oct. 8 will go directly to KidsPeace. Buy the novella and support KidsPeace.
- Blog it: If you're a blogger, create a dedicated blog post to spread the word about the campaign. Use the Speak Out badge in your blog post and include it in your sidebar.
- Facebook it: Share the badge, this campaign, #SpeakOut, #SAVEDay, and your words against school violence via Facebook and tag us and BookSparks so we can share too!
- Tweet it: Speak out with @BookSparks and @SteenaHolmes about ending school violence, benefiting @KidsPeace! #SpeakOut #SAVEDay
- Rate it: Head over to Goodreads and rate Steena Holmes' "Stillwater Rising" and "Before the Storm." The moving novella and empowering novel is a story of loss, community and healing that is unlike any other.
By Denise Morganthall
“Don’t Worry Be Happy.” Remember Bobby McFerrin’s catchy song?
Worrying is a practice that many of us perfect over our lifetimes. We worry about getting sick, losing a job, keeping the house clean and what people think of us. The list goes on and on, with a lot of energy channeled into worrying about things that never happen. It is natural to worry, and worrying can actually prevent us from making some bad decisions. But there is a line, and when worrying interferes with daily life, it’s time to say enough is enough.
When we worry, we are robbing ourselves of present time and actually making ourselves sick. Worrying can cause high blood pressure, headaches and loss of sleep, and can lead to bad habits such as smoking and alcohol and drug abuse. Worrying can also impact our emotional health, leading to depression, anxiety attacks and other stress-related disorders.
Why do we spend so much time worrying about what others think of us? Did you ever hear of the 18/40/60 rule? When you are 18, you worry about what everybody is thinking about you. At 40, you don’t care what other people think of you (that one I like) and at 60 you realize nobody’s been thinking about you at all. Most people aren’t thinking about you because they are worrying about their own lives. If they are thinking about you, they are worrying what you are thinking about them.
We need to take the time to determine what we worry about and how often. There are two types of worries; productive and non-productive. A productive worry is one that you can do something about, like adhering to the April 15 deadline to file your income taxes. An unproductive worry would be dwelling on something out of your control, such as a prediction that the world is going to end. Even if this prediction were finally true, there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to prevent it.
In the most basic sense, if worrying is becoming a daily occurrence, it is time to find a way to overcome this habit.
By Caren Chaffee
Very recently, a surprising and, for some, confusing billboard was erected in various locations in Erie County, N.Y. The billboards, placed along major routes in the Buffalo region, simply stated “you are beautiful” – in plain font, all lowercase letters, without graphics or decoration.
This uncomplicated message incited a great deal of discussion throughout print, radio, television and social media. Many wondered: (1) where it came from; (2) who had placed the billboards in such strategic locations throughout the area and (3) above all, what it meant.
The answers were easily identified: (1) The message was first created by artist Matthew Hoffman in 2002, when he printed 100 stickers and left them in various locations in Chicago. Since then, more than 1.5 million stickers have been shared on every continent in the world. He went on to collaborate with thousands of other artists to re-create the message in cities across the globe through every possible art medium. (2) The billboards placed in Erie County are a part of a public art project organized by a Buffalo-based art gallery. (3) According to the website, “It’s our mission to leave the world a little better than when we found it.”
Words are powerful in many ways. They can be used to encourage and support, to comfort and soothe, to provide explanation, to ask questions, to apologize, to teach… and to hurt.
When we share a message with others, we can actually see its impact. A positive message can brighten someone’s day and often gives implicit permission to “pay it forward.” The result is more cheer, more happiness and a greater sense of community. A negative message can be insidious, breeding cynicism and distrust.
The power of words is immeasurable, and the example we set for youth is critical. Mr. Hoffman shared a story of an eighth-grade student who received permission from her principal to place a note stating “you are beautiful” on every locker in her school. The impact this likely had on impressionable middle school-aged youth who often grapple with feelings of self-worth was, in all probability, beyond estimation.
Mr. Hoffman launched his campaign anonymously for a long time. When finally began to talk about his project publicly, he was quoted as saying, “Can you feel the landscape changing?”
Public reaction to the “you are beautiful” campaign made the answer to his question clear. Social media posts included statements such as, “Whoever put this sign next to the freeway exit is my hero,” “Morning commute pick-me-up,” “Makes me smile every day driving home from work,” “Thank you for reminding us,” “Greatness this morning” and simply, “Yes!”
We all have a choice to spread cheer or breed unhappiness. Our words have power, and with power comes great responsibility. We must be responsible to ourselves and to our communities with the words that we choose.
By Denise Morganthall
With today’s hectic lifestyle and abundant responsibilities, it can be difficult to make time for health and self-care needs. But what better time to explore some self-care strategies than at the start of what for most people is a long weekend?
The idea of self care has been around for centuries, but it really gained a popular following in the 1980s, when it was employed in households, businesses and health care facilities. It has been proven that taking care of ourselves makes us better caretakers for others, whether children, parents or patients.
Self care is about choosing behaviors that balance the effects of emotional and physical stressors in our lives. This can involve exercising, eating healthy foods, getting enough sleep or practicing relaxation techniques, anything that cultivates a healthy mind and body. Here are some ways to make time for your own well-being:
- Listen to music
- Read a book or magazine
- Get a massage
- Take a power nap
- Go to lunch with a friend
- Go for a walk or ride your bike
- Plant a garden
- Draw or paint
- Go fishing
This list of self-care strategies could go on and on. The most important thing is that we take care of ourselves, do what we enjoy the most and make the best use of our time. You must make yourself a priority to attain a better state of mental and physical well-being, and self-care gives you the knowledge and tools to improve the quality of your life.
By Denise Morganthall
Many of us go through life hearing these words over and over again … “You need to be more responsible.” Sound familiar? When you were a teenager I am sure you heard, “If you were more responsible, that would not have happened.” You may even hear your boss tell you that you need to be more responsible. Unfortunately we are very good at playing what we call the “blame game.” We are constantly blaming others when we should be blaming ourselves.
It is easy to blame others for our irresponsible behaviors and our quality of life. We blame our parents for how we were raised, our boss for our low salary, our spouse for having no time to ourselves. Why do we do this? The answer is fear. Taking responsibility for our lives can be a scary thing. When you accept full responsibility for your life, you then need to accept not just the successes but failures as well. Maybe you had a troubled childhood, and you obviously aren’t responsible for what happened at that time, however from this point on you are responsible for what you make of your life. There is no reason to take revenge out on your parents for what happened years ago. There is nothing they can do now to make the past disappear, however, you can talk about it and work on the present and the future. Don’t ever let a negative past define you; let it be a lesson that strengthens you and leads you on a path to a positive, brighter future.
If we are to be 100 percent responsible for our lives then we need to look at life through a different lens. A positive outlook produces a positive outcome. If you are driving and someone cuts you off, your first response may be to get angry and start yelling and throwing your fists around. Before you do this, let’s think this through. Maybe this person just found out he has cancer and may not live. Or maybe she has 1,000 things on her mind and just wasn’t thinking. Or maybe there was a blind spot in the road and your car wasn’t visible. Of course, maybe the other driver is just disrespectful. But whatever the case, you need to move on.
Changing our thoughts and behavior is certainly not an easy task, but if we want to see change in our lives we need to change our reactions to situations that are presented to us. Everything you experience today is the result of choices you have made in the past. If you are an alcoholic and you keep drinking, your life is not going to get any better. You have the choice to change who you are and what you want out of life. Yes, that may mean changing your friends, changing your outlook or your habits. But if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re going to keep getting what you’ve always gotten. If you need more help around the house, your house will remain a mess until you ask for help. By taking no action and complaining, we are allowing things to happen to us rather than accepting responsibility for our lives. No one else can help you get what you want. When we complain, we are wasting time, and often voicing our displeasure to the wrong people. Rather than telling your boss that you’re upset with your new work schedule, you complain to your spouse. You whine to your friends that your spouse is always on the road and your relationship is on the rocks. Complaining will get us nowhere if we don’t go to the right person. We all have the responsibility to take action to make our lives better.
By Denise Morganthall
Our attitudes, or how we react to people or situations, determine the type of day we will have. If we wake up to a rainy day, it is easy to feel moody and tired unless we shift our attitude and look on the bright side. It could be as simple as saying, “I’d like to see some sun, but I know we need the rain” or “It doesn’t matter what the weather is. I am going to have a great day.” In the words of Art Linkletter, “Things turn out best for people who make the best out of the way things turn out.”
Our attitudes are shaped by our intelligence, self-esteem and mood, but the remarkable thing is that we have a choice every day regarding what we will embrace. We cannot change the past or how other people behave. Some things are inevitable, no matter how much we desire otherwise, but we can change our reactions to other people and situations to produce a positive result. Years ago I attended a seminar emphasizing how our attitude affects our life. The leader shared a story about a man who was driving his SUV on the interstate when he saw an 18-wheeler coming toward him. He was hoping the 18-wheeler would get back on the other side of the road, but unfortunately it clipped his vehicle, sending it spinning in circles before landing on its side in a ditch. When passersby stopped to help him, he looked up, smiled and waved and said, "I’m alive!" Now that’s a positive attitude.
Sometimes life can seem unfair, but some of our unhappy times may be a blessing in disguise. If you lose your job, it could be the opportunity to find one you truly love. If your boyfriend/girlfriend breaks up with you, it might be the chance you needed to meet someone new. Remember that whatever you are working through now is helping you have a brighter future. Don’t forget the Law of Attraction, and if it helps, think about the fact that there is always someone having a harder time. There is an old saying, "I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street I met a man who had no feet."
While we are all ultimately in control of our own attitudes, which means it is important to surround ourselves with positivity. If your friends don’t improve your mood, it’s time to find a new circle. Make time to do things that make you feel good about yourself. Avoid comparing yourself to others. And remember that life is not just about the journey, but the quality of the journey. Make every day the best it can be.
Photo credit: iStock/Eskemar